Intimacy in marriage is one of my favorite topics. I know many couples struggle in this area, and the reasons vary widely. I pray my post, or one of the other writers’ posts, will be just what you need to hear. As for me, I’m going to talk about an intimacy mindset. What is it? And how do we cultivate one?
Intimacy Defined
First, let’s define intimacy. Most people think of sex when they hear the word intimacy, which is accurate, but incomplete. I’ll use dictionary.com’s second and fourth definitions for my purpose:
Intimacy:
“a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person…”
“an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like”
Close. Familiar. Affectionate. Loving. This is more than sex. This is all through the day. This is a “getting to know a person on a deeper level” thing. Intimacy grows and deepens with time and effort. It can be done even in a busy household or with lots of little ones around.
What is an intimacy mindset, and how do we cultivate one?
An intimacy mindset is simply a decision to cultivate intimacy. It’s an attitude that says intimacy is important in our marriage. It’s a determination to build habits that deepen your relationship.
Cultivating requires preparing, tilling, and working the soil–in this case the heart of the marriage. It’s improving and nurturing growth through work and attention. You are building intimacy, not just having it. And it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. The rest of this post is dedicated to simple ideas you can use to build intimacy habits. Take what works, and use what doesn’t to inspire your own ideas.
Good mornings
Our mornings vary, but my husband and I make a point to connect: a kiss, a smile, a touch, a good morning. We enjoy seeing each other in the morning. Sometimes I’m up first, sometimes he is, or sometimes we wake about the same time. Some mornings we linger, other times we only have a moment, but we seize it.
Goodbyes
Our family has a fun tradition. I don’t even remember when it started, but I’m sure our neighbors know it. And our friends definitely do. When someone is leaving, most times, someone is at the window waving “I love you” in sign language. My honey and I wave “I love you” and blow a kiss. If I’m at a different window, the kids groan because daddy’s eyes track to where I am. Sometimes I sneak to a different window or door on purpose. It’s fun to be a mom.
My sweetie and I kiss before one of us leaves, even if it’s to another room for a time. If I’m going to go write a blog post, for instance, I kiss him before I head to my computer because I know I’ll be there for a while.
We also hug before he leaves for work in the morning. And sometimes during the day–just because.
Hellos
Hellos are awesome. It’s a coming together again. It’s the “I’ve missed you” moment.
When my husband gets home from work or from a trip, we connect. The kids know it’s our time, and it’s sacred. We usually meet by the door, kiss, and head to our room. My honey changes, and then we lay on the bed and talk about our days. Sometimes we don’t have much to share, so we snuggle close for a minute. There is no set time–just a filling up and taking in of each other, however long is needed. It’s a wonderful way to transition from work to home for him, and from mom mode to wife for me. Not that I’m less of a wife or mom at any given time, but my focus shifts in priority.
Goodnights
Usually, my husband and I head to bed at the same time. Other times, one of us (usually him) tucks the other in. We come close, pray together, and kiss goodnight. There is always a caress on the face, an arm, a leg. Touch is so important, and we need both sexual and affectionate touch in our marriages.
Final thoughts
Find those habits that build intimacy. Kiss a little longer. Touch a little more. See the other person. Listen to their words and their heart. Be their biggest fan, cheerleader, and confidant. I encourage you to develop an intimacy mindset, and build upon that foundation.
Your turn
Is intimacy a struggle in your marriage? Or have you built your own intimate habits? Share your thoughts and ideas on intimacy. I’d love to hear from you.
This post originally appeared on Fulfilling Your Vows, but that blog has now closed.