In Do You Parent Angry? Part 1, I discuss what I mean by parent angry. I said, “The angry way of parenting stems from our own desires for peace, compliance, and obedience. Our need to be loved.” Angry parenting looks at the child’s behavior and how it affects us. The opposite of getting angry is to remain calm. Let’s explore what tools calm parenting gives us.
Remaining calm:
Allows us to respond rather than react.
Helps us to think more clearly about the situation.
Allows us to bathe the child in love and grace.
Helps us to see the child as God sees them.
Gives us time to bring the child to true repentance and forgiveness.
Allows us to come up with natural consequences rather than off the cuff punishment.
Calm parenting doesn’t focus on how the child’s behavior affects us. Instead, it focuses more on the child’s heart, and how their behavior affects their relationship with God. Calm parenting stems from a desire for the child’s heart to be right before God. Again: Calm parenting stems from a desire for the child’s heart to be right before God.
We don’t react from hurt or anger because it isn’t about our needs. We respond calmly because it’s about the child and God. We facilitate the process that brings them from their sin to reconciliation with God. What does that process look like? Let me show you.
Calm Parenting Process:
– Shine a light on their sin – simply show them how what they did was sin.
– Explain what sin does to their relationship with God, and the offended person.
– Lead them to repentance, and the joy of forgiveness.
– Help them restore their relationship with God, and with the offended person.
– Finally, teach them to be spirit led rather than flesh led, guide them with God’s truth, and train them in the ways of the Lord.
Yes, calm, and dare I say, godly parenting takes more effort than angry parenting. Spewing angry words and dishing out punishment takes mere minutes. Whereas taking time to respond to the true issues, the child’s heart, not only takes a little longer at the moment of correction, but it also takes additional teaching, training, and guiding throughout the days and weeks to come. But is that really an accurate portrayal?
Angry parenting nets a quick result – for the moment. Long term, however, you’ll find more and worse issues to deal with as the hurt, anger and rebellion takes hold in the child’s heart. Calm parenting, getting to the child’s heart, each and every time nets healing. The child feels loved, develops a desire to do what’s right, and is assured that grace is freely given. Thus a solid foundation is created and you will need to teach, train, and guide less as they learn to govern themselves and build their own relationship with God.
Call to Action:
Consider the difference between angry parenting and calm parenting. Can you see how angry parenting is about changing behavior and stems from our own selfish desires? Can you see how calm parenting is about changing their heart, and stems from a desire for them to grow in their relationship with God? What do you want long term for you child?
What are your thoughts on calm parenting? I hope you join me tomorrow for a small challenge in this area.
Later this week, I’ll share a post delving deeper into the process of keeping calm when responding to our children’s sins and what that might look like.
Mrs. Sarah Coller says
I agree with these thoughts…absolutely. I am curious about this statement:, “Calm parenting never considers how the child’s behavior affects us.” Are you just saying that our response should not be based on how their behavior has hurt us, angered us, etc? I ask this for a couple reasons. First, I think it is really important that our kids understand when they’ve grieved us. We can not “suck it up” and parent with blank faces and fake voices—this is not honest and it does not show them how their actions hurt people. Their discipline does not have to be out of anger or hurt, for sure, but they still need to understand what damage they are doing to hearts and relationships. Secondly, if we make it only about the relationship between the child and God, without bringing up anything that might have been done to hurt or anger another human, we risk the child continuing to misbehave because there’s really no reason for him not to. Many children, especially really little ones, don’t understand the concept of a “relationship with God”. They understand God’s laws, and they get it when we say God loves us, God protects us, God is not happy about our actions…whatever—but, because they can’t physically SEE the hurt on God’s face or the physical/emotional reaction resulting from their action, they don’t have the same grieved heart reaction like we do when we sin as older kids and adults. As for how the misbehavior effects the child himself, any consequence that involves “talking it out” for any length of time is usually going to be lost on a child under 7 or so. They don’t see long-term consequences. They don’t understand how stealing from the cookie jar now can lead to dishonesty later, or a lifetime of bank robberies, or an eternity in Hell. They just know that if they misbehave, Mommy will sit them down, have a loonnnggg talk with them, and then send them on their way. Unfortunately, many older kids and teens who probably DO have the maturity to understand long-term consequences, don’t really care and live for the moment, so their mentality often mirrors the youngers’.
This is where discipline comes in… You didn’t mention what forms of correction/discipline/punishment you would recommend to go along with this calm parenting style….and that’s fine, as it’s a personal “family matter”. I know some people like to say that correction, discipline and punishment are three totally different things, but I think that, especially in light of this article you’ve written, they can be seen as synonymous. When done with the right heart, discipline IS correction. In our family, kids under about 4 are disciplined immediately with a swat on the bottom or tap on the hand (depending how little they are). It’s not enough to hurt—but enough to be seen as a consequence. This age is not going to understand the “talking to”. To this age, we represent the only authority they understand—because it’s the only authority they see. From about 4 to about 6 or 7, the discipline is immediate—so they can still match the action with the consequence—and then the heart talk comes afterward. We are training them in both immediate and long-term consequences. After this age, the discipline is usually not physical (unless it’s a moral offense like lying, etc) but, instead, we talk about how their behavior hurt the offended person, themselves and God. We discuss what God’s word says about their action and we discuss how these types of actions can lead to more serious ones of the same kind later on. We talk about how this effects family relationships. After we have our discussion, a punishment is given—sometimes a spanking, more often it’s the loss of a privilege or a deluge of work for the day! 🙂 We require them to ask forgiveness from the person that they offended—even if they’re not sorry, they’re practicing the ability to say the words (so many people lack this.) We then encourage (never force) the child to go and talk to God about it for awhile. They are learning about the need to ask forgiveness from others and from God. When they choose to go talk to God about it, they experience the shame and desire to hide from God—not because God is putting that on them, but because that’s what sin does to us—then they feel God lift it all away from them and restore them. I have, on several occasions, heard my kids in their rooms crying out to God. They almost always come back into whatever we’re doing with that broken-but-healed look that we all get when God has restored us.
Wow, I just said a WHOLE bunch! But, you DID ask for my thoughts! 🙂 I’m really enjoying your series so far…thanks for the great thoughts and encouragement!
Mrs. Sarah Coller recently posted:Showing Compassion– Part One
Audra Marie says
Let me change the word considers to doesn’t focus on – which more accurately explains my thought. The main focus is on their hearts and relationship with God, but part of becoming right before God is seeking forgiveness from the ones they’ve sinned against. In the process I state: Explain what sin does to their relationship with God, and the offended person. Help them restore their relationship with God, and with the offended person. Whether it is us or someone else, this is where they learn they sinned against another or grieved another. This is where they go to that person, and repent and seek forgiveness. And no, I do not advocate blank faces or a suck it up mentality. I would say a voice and face that shows gentleness and grace is in order.
Perhaps another post on what the calm parenting process might look like would be good. As for talking it out, the actual process for correction or discipline would be relatively short. The teaching, training, and guiding is what should occur as we go about life, as well as concentrated times. Hmmm – I’m seeing more blog post ideas lol. Anyway, long lectures are ineffective no matter the age in my opinion, so I would not advocate that for sure.
I agree, discipline will look different at different ages as well as depending on the offense. I see where the confusion lies. I didn’t actually state the moment discipline occurs, simply because the nature of the offense and the child’s age would be a factor.
We do a similar routine with our children: They have to ask forgiveness from whoever their sin affected and from God. I’ll definitely write a follow up post on more specifics. Thanks for all your thoughts, and for more post ideas lol. I had planned on writing these sorts of posts, but you’ve encouraged me to tackle them soon.
Kika@embracingimperfection says
I have certainly grown greatly in this area, over the years, but am still so aware of how often I allow my own fears, frustrations, impatience to cause me to “parent angry”. For me this usually involves more a grumpy or unloving facial expression or tone of voice, even though I rarely yell anymore. But kids know. They see it and feel it so easily. And I hate that my own immaturity ends up hurting the people I love most. So, I will be spending the next couple of weeks trying to be more conscious and disciplined in this area.
I have to say, too, that my husband was hurt recently by our teenage son’s disrespectful attitude toward him one evening. And I felt that the Holy Spirit showed me that I couldn’t address this issue in my son until I allowed the issue to be addressed in myself. Often, the very attitudes we dislike in our kids have been taught – by us!
Kika@embracingimperfection recently posted:Happy Things
Audra Marie says
That is so true – they are like mirrors for our own sin. I’ve been trying to share more with my children as I walk out an area of taking a particular sin captive in my own life. I want them to see what wrestling it out of my life looks like. Imperfect parents yet covered by a perfect God.
Michele-Lyn says
You wrote on this topic so clearly and practically, as well as heartfelt. I have struggled all of my motherhood with reacting in anger or frustration. I pray daily that I will grow in understanding the love and grace of God… and to be able to parent as He does. My kids are messy, but it is really my mess they are exposing… We don’t get to choose what God uses to conform us to His image.. but thankful He will complete the work He began…
Walking in His grace, by His grace…
Michele-Lyn recently posted:DELIGHT {5 Minute Friday}
Audra Marie says
Motherhood really is a walking out of our own righteousness is so many ways. It shines a light on our imperfections, shows us a need for Jesus’ grace and strength, and drives us to seek him in how to parent each one. Thanks for visiting Michele-Lyn. 🙂