Life’s Curveballs Can Be Opportunities

I remember telling God that I’d had enough testimonies…more than my fair share really. I’m beginning to think some of us are called to be a testimony, not just have them. I’ve walked through some crazy things, and God has been ever so faithful. So as I walk through this latest curveball, I will remember how He has always walked beside me, lead me, or carried me through.

As some of you know, back in April, I was showering with my sweetie, and all of a sudden, I felt like I was going to be violently sick. Next second, I looked at my husband and said, “I’m going to pass out now.” And I dropped. He caught me before I hit the bottom of the tub. The whole thing was over pretty quick, and I felt relatively fine after.

This was only the beginning. Since then, I’ve had more of these episodes off and on. No rhyme or reason to them. I can be hot, cold, sitting, standing, sleeping, awake, hungry, full…no discernible pattern. Each time, I would have the huge wave of nausea followed by slumping over or dropping to the floor. Besides that, I began to find myself having trouble when a lot of busyness or chaos surrounded me. I could feel myself getting dizzier, having a hard time tracking everything, and feeling overwhelmed. I’d get real quiet, and sometimes slip off by myself for a minute to try and calm the dizzy spells. On top of that, I couldn’t always remember what had happened during both the dropping episodes and the overwhelmed by chaos times.

I went to a Physician’s Assistant at my doctor’s office, and she ordered some blood work and a UA. She also prescribed various things for my sinuses and an antibiotic. Her conclusion was that this was probably sinus related since I fight with that a lot.

I felt like something was misfiring in my brain.

At this point, I prayed and asked God to make it plainly obvious if I needed to pursue this weird ailment with more tests and doctor visits. I really didn’t want to waste money, but couldn’t shake the fact that something wasn’t quite right. I wondered if it was some kind of stroke or blood clot related issue. My dad agreed it seemed neurological. But still I waited. The episodes seemed to have calmed down, and it was easier to question if something serious was happening or not.

I also felt weak. Spiritually as well as physically. I wasn’t ready to face anything big. My plan was to draw on God’s strength by spending time with Him, and I still waited for Him to make things clear on how to proceed. And He did. In a BIG way.

Friday morning, I woke up to an “episode” at about 4:45-ish. Around lunchtime, I had another one in the car at Walmart. The kids grabbed the groceries, and we quickly headed home, and I called to make an appointment with my doctor. July 3rd was the soonest I could get in. Shortly after I got back home, Bob arrived home early.

God is so good. I proceeded to have over 15 more episodes throughout the afternoon and evening. Most often I was on the couch or beside it, but one caught me in the kitchen. I had grabbed the box of crackers out of the cabinet, and the next thing I know, I’m on the floor. Bob was right there through it all with me. My lower back began to ache. Around 10 pm, my left leg began to hurt. We weren’t waiting any longer. It was time to head to the ER.

By this time, I was pretty wiped out and felt drunk or drugged. I had a hard time walking into the ER with my left leg, but I think it’s because it felt like I had a charlie horse. Bob sat me down right next to the admitting window, and I grabbed the wall because the room spun. The lady had Bob help lay me down. Within minutes, the trauma nurse came out, and wheeled me back to a room. She had a higher priority case come in, so I ended up with another nurse who I absolutely adored. Seriously, she was so wonderful.

Vitals were taken, IV inserted for two bags of fluid, EKG, CT Scan, chest x-ray, blood draw, UA…and I don’t remember what else. I was so tired. And, of course, no more episodes. At least not until right at the end. I looked at Bob, and I think I said no, and then I was gone. The doctor came in, Bob said she’s having one right now, he called the nurse, and hit the blood pressure machine. Or so Bob tells me. He said the only change was in my pulse. It shot up, and then dropped down. They pricked my finger for a blood sugar test (I saw the evidence later), and Bob said the doctor flicked my eyelashes which I responded to as one would. Then he tapped my cheek and talked to me, but I didn’t respond to that.

I woke to Bob, the doctor, and the nurse in the room going over the next step. The doctor wanted me seen as soon as possible by a neurologist, so he said he’d call my doctor’s partner (my doctor was out of town) for us, and give a heads up. He was quick, efficient, and we were discharged.

By this time, it was early Saturday morning. I think we got to bed around 3-3:30 or so. I woke to a phone call from the ER doctor at 8 saying he’d contacted the doctor, and we could pick up the referral Monday. He asked me if I would remember all of what he said. I almost growled, but assured him I had written it all down. Because I probably would have forgotten truth be told. Sigh.

Now here’s where it gets interesting. After breakfast with the family, I went back to bed. As I was laying there, it occurred to me, that I had been focused on only one particular symptom…the body slumping/dropping one. I started thinking about what I could remember from when I was “out” and what Bob had filled in. I never lost consciousness. I could hear things around me, but couldn’t respond. Once I could talk, it would take several seconds for me to answer (this according to Bob). I would be thinking I need to move, but my body felt drained and moving felt impossible. After, I’d feel so sleepy, had memory gaps, and would feel kinda foggy for a while.

It reminded me of what I’d seen while working as a corpsman on the children’s ward as well as what I’d seen my son do. It reminded me of a seizure. I mentioned it to Bob, and he told me to quit thinking and get some sleep. I slept hard. He woke me from a dead sleep at 2:15. Then he rested after instructing me to stay on the couch and to try not to do anything that might trigger something. The idea that this was a seizure wouldn’t stop nagging at me, and I began to research.

I stumbled onto a description of an Atonic Seizure which describes this well. Except, I tend to fall or slump gracefully. Somehow, I catch myself, and help myself down. Thank you, Lord, for that sweet mercy. I also read about auras that happen before a seizure hits. My mouth dropped open when I read that deja vu is one of them. I had told my daughter that I felt like I was having a deja vu day all day on Friday. And then I get hit with a ton of episodes. Crazy huh?

When Bob woke up, I told him I’d diagnosed myself. Then I read the descriptions to him, explained that I had several of the aura symptoms which I hadn’t known were related. He began to research, and then he realized the ER doctor had written that on the discharge papers in reference to what I’m being referred for. I’m thinking he hadn’t wanted to alarm us.

I felt euphoric. I felt like I had a diagnosis. I didn’t know the cause, but at least I felt like we could figure things out now. And then…my stomach started flip flopping. I also read over Bob’s shoulder about how this affects the entire family. I quickly went to my room and I. Lost. It. I bawled like a baby. It felt too big. I didn’t want to be a burden to my family. I wanted to be a blessing. I didn’t want more seizures because they just plain freak me out. I didn’t want this.

Bob came in and tried the toughen up routine, and I threw a pillow at him. I then explained that I needed my feelings validated. I wanted to be hugged and reassured. And then I would get my fight back. He did that and more.

I need to remember that life’s curveballs can be opportunities. Opportunities to be strong in faith. To lean on God, and family. To overcome, and not be weakened by it. To know that when it feels big, God is bigger still. When I’m weak, He is strong. Opportunities to unite as a family and face something together.

We’re still trying to wrap our heads around this. It’s possible this can be cured. Or it could be a new part of my life. It can be healed quick, or it can be a journey to walk through. But I know this, it will be another testimony of God’s faithfulness.